In memory that is not my own,
but my mother's, I am
a tiny girl toddling down
the darkened hall to watch
the rumblings of a nighttime
train, on miniature pilgrimage
between sleep and sleep.
I wonder about that small child
I have forgotten (beyond a few
blurred memories-of-memories,
a few yet definite emotions)--
how she dared to rise after bedtime
and watch through a window,
alone, unaware of fond eyes
remarking her singular joy.
but my mother's, I am
a tiny girl toddling down
the darkened hall to watch
the rumblings of a nighttime
train, on miniature pilgrimage
between sleep and sleep.
I wonder about that small child
I have forgotten (beyond a few
blurred memories-of-memories,
a few yet definite emotions)--
how she dared to rise after bedtime
and watch through a window,
alone, unaware of fond eyes
remarking her singular joy.
Beautiful poem, Elena! I love the double perspective, the girl (you) watching the train, and the girl's mother watching the girl ...
ReplyDeleteI wonder, though, about the structure of the end of the first stanza. It is the girl, not the train -- am I right? -- that is "on miniature pilgrimage between sleep and sleep"? You may have to tinker with word-order, or repeat the noun "girl":
a tiny girl toddling down
the darkened hall to watch
a rumbling nighttime train --
a girl on miniature pilgrimage
between sleep and sleep.
I like that the first stanza ends with the pilgrimage between sleep and sleep. But the prepositional phrase is next to "train."
Please forgive me if I'm misreading the sense of the poem, and please pardon the impertinence of my proposing an emendation. I like this poem very much. And it has a very strong ending -- I especially like "remarking"! (I don't know why; I just do.)
I'm glad of your input, Thomas! Thank you! I thought the comma would indicate that the "pilgrimage" bit went with girl--since it would be unnecessary if the phrase referred to the train. I think I also vaguely hoped that any ambiguity might show both that the girl was on miniature pilgrimage and that the distant train looked miniature on its pilgrimage. But trains don't go "between sleep and sleep" do they?
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