No two people experience the grief of a loved one's death in the same way. Each relationship is different. And for most of us, it's hard to know how to help those we love during their own dark hours. While I experienced the death of my dad when I was nineteen, I still struggle with "being there" for those I love when tragedy strikes. So please understand, the following list is offered from my own limited perspective. Maybe, at least, it will help you understand a bit more how your friend may feel.
When your friend is grieving--
Don't
try to fix it. Your friend needs you to be her friend, not her councelor.
Don't
give up if your friend reacts poorly to your attempts to reach out. Physical wounds are unusually sensitive to touch. Emotional ones are, too. Give your friend, and yourself, grace.
Don't
assume that "precious memories" are the silver lining of the situation. Memories are a poor substitute for actual presence. When the loss is raw, memories can seem like those scented candles that make you think cookies are in the oven and all the time it was only hot wax. This doesn't mean your friend won't want to explore memories--just that they aren't "the answer."
Don't
expect your friend to grieve the way you do. Some people feel a lot of emotion. Others don't.
Do
share your own memories of the deceased. Your friend cherishes the confirmation that his loved one was a blessing and continues to be remembered.
Do
be all right with being uncomfortable. People weren't designed for death. Tears, heartache, confusion, anger--are part of the territory.
Do
reassure your friend that you don't mind when she expresses uncomfortable emotions or heartfelt thoughts. She may feel exposed afterwards. She needs to know she is still okay.
Do
stay. Grief can be a long journey, and the funeral is only the beginning.
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