Dewdrop, dewdrop,
jewel of a leaf,
teardrop world,
bright and brief.
Chime and glister,
sparkle, diamond, star,
harmonic flicked
from God's guitar.
jewel of a leaf,
teardrop world,
bright and brief.
Chime and glister,
sparkle, diamond, star,
harmonic flicked
from God's guitar.
I like this a lot. I'd propose two small further revisions for the sake of metrical regularity, but whatever you do, don't touch the image of the last two lines! That's fresh and new and beautiful.
ReplyDelete(Maybe "jewelled leaf" as line two? And perhaps delete "sparkle" from the second stanza, as you already have "glister" and "diamond"?)
But yes, your closing image is potent and excellent! Thank you as always, and please pardon my boldness in suggesting emendations.
I like the weird rhythms of the second lines--they kind of shimmy. And, after all, dewdrops shine in an irregular fashion :) I wondered about "glister," but it can also be a synonym for "glitter" which is a bit different than "sparkle" (maybe?), and I wanted something that could be both verb and noun. Thanks for the suggestions--the different perspective makes me think.
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